Excellent choice, dear readers! The story of Teach, though brief, is entertaining and penis-free. Not that Teach is penis-free (though I have no conclusive proof either way), but the story is penis-free. So, Prudes, this one's for you!
Our story today begins with my sister. A few things you should know about my sister:
1. No one wants to see me happy more than she does.
2. No one believes in love like she does.
3. No one gets more pissed off when I get hurt like she does.
Let's continue. I had recently ended my relationship with Birdman. My sister (let's call her Perky) , and especially her husband (let's call him Coolio), never liked Birdman. Actually Coolio hated him. Perky pretended to like him because she believed I was happy; Coolio was vocal about his hatred. More on this later. Anyway, one day Coolio was on Facebook. Perky was watching over his shoulder. And their conversation goes a little something like this (did you get a song in your head just now? Cause you were supposed to):
Coolio: (pointing at screen) "Look who I got a friend request from."
Perky: "OMG. He hasn't changed a bit."
Coolio: "He really hasn't. I don't think I've seen him since college."
Perky: "Click on the 'info' thingy. Let's see what he's been up to."
Coolio: "M'kay...he's still teaching. Not at a high school anymore; he's teaching at college now. Hmmm...couple of kids...and he's single. I didn't know that."
Perky: "Single?"
Coolio: "Did I stutter? Yes, single."
Perky: "Send him a message. We're setting him up with Annabelly."
Coolio: "Hell, no, Woman! I'm staying out of that crap."
Perky: "Send it! If you don't, I'll just wait until you fall asleep. I know your password."
Coolio: "Fine. But you type it. And sign your name. I want no part of this...unless they actually end up happily married...then it was all my idea. I give a damn fine toast at a wedding, you know."
Perky: "Shut up, I'm typing."
So, that's how it began. Perky sent Teach a message. She also told him to look up my facebook profile so that he could see my picture. You see, Perky thought Teach and I had never met...Teach actually thought that, too. They were both wrong...
I suppose you've inferred by now that Perky, Coolio, and Teach all went to school together. They all went to the high school here in Stupidly Small Town. Let's call the high school here SSTHS (Stupidly Small Town High School). Perky, Coolio, and Teach are 10 years older than I am. Naturally, my sis assumed I had never met, or at the very least, didn't remember Teach. She was in for a surprise.
Perky: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Well, the kids and I..."
Perky: "Yeah, I really don't care. Listen, I've set you up on a date."
Me: "What? Look, I told you that the overweight Ag. teacher does nothing for me."
Perky: "Not him. He's dumb. This is a new guy. You'll like him. He graduated from SSTHS with Coolio. He's smart, he's an athlete, he's divorced, he's perfect. We've set everything up."
Me: "Who the hell is this? This better not be Coolio's weird friend who thinks he's perfected his George Bush impression. I can't stand him."
Perky: "No, you don't know him. Get on your Facebook."
Me: "Tell me the name. I'm in bed. I'll look tomorrow."
Perky: "Get your computer!"
Me: "Fine. Did you get him to look at my profile already?"
Perky: "Of course I did."
Me: "Of course you did."
Perky: "He thinks you're pretty. I just got off the phone with him."
Me: "You talked to him? What if I see him and don't like him? No offense, but most of Coolio's friends from back in the day at SSTHS are potbellied and hairy in all the wrong places."
Perky: "He's different. You'll like him."
Me: "Doubtful. Fine. I'm on Facebook. Name please?"
And then she told me the name - the real name, obviously, which I can't mention here.
Me: "What? Repeat please."
Perky repeats name. I freeze my fingers above the keyboard. I know this name. After a stunned moment of silence, I type it in. I think, "Fairly common name...surely this isn't who I think it is...oh shit...it's exactly who I think it is."
Perky: "Hello? What's your problem? Did you find his profile?"
Me: "Uh...Perky? I know him."
Perky: "Liar. He and Coolio weren't that close. How could you possibly know him?"
Me: "You obviously lost touch over the years, right?"
Perky: "True."
Me: "You know what he does for a living, right?"
Perky: "He's a teacher, right?"
Me: "Yes, and back in the school year of 1989-1990 he was MY teacher. Ninth grade. Physical Science."
Perky: "You are totally shitting me!!"
Me: "I am not shitting you. I sat in the second row, near the back, right beside Tamara."
Perky: "Holy shizzle."
Me: "He obviously did not remember me."
Perky: "Obviously, but you remember him."
Me: "Not too much actually. I remember one thing."
Perky: "Spill it."
Me: "One day he was supposed to say 'organism.' He accidentally said 'orgasm.' Everyone laughed except for Tamara and me. We didn't have a clue what it meant. I went home and looked it up in the dictionary."
Perky: "Sounds like something you'd do. So, are you saying you won't go out with him? Because you should know that I've already given him your number."
And I'm stopping there for tonight, peeps. Tune in tomorrow where I will detail my phone conversation and eventual date with my former teacher who taught me (though quite accidentally) the meaning of the word 'orgasm.'
Love you muchly,
Annabelly
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