Tonight Was Stupid...

It really was. It was awkward and weird and really, really stupid. It was so stupid that it was stoopid - this is how the teenagers spell it when something is beyond the usual limits of stupidity.

First, more background. At some point during our senior year, it hit us that soon we wouldn't see each other every day. We did not take this well. We used to spend hours lying on the trampoline in his backyard discussing this - while holding hands and crying. How were we going to cope without each other? He debated changing his mind and staying in state for college. We were pretty torn up about the upcoming separation. We dealt with it by spending even more time together. Our significant others weren't happy with this decision.

Like I've mentioned, we were best friends; we never dated. I had a boyfriend of 2 years. He had a girlfriend of about a year. We told these significant others the deal - we would spend one night of the weekend with them, but the other night was just for us. Looking back, I can't believe they agreed to this.

Eventually, the topic came up: Why had we never dated? We reasoned that we had just become too close - that we were more like brother and sister - that there was no attraction there. The last one was definitely a lie. At some point, I remember looking at him during our senior year and thinking, "What the hell is my problem? He's adorable."

I remember this moment during our senior prom. We danced together one time, and he said, "Have I ever told you that you're beautiful? I know I joke around a lot (understatement of the century), and I'm always talking about your boobs (long story - short version of it is that he used to write poems and songs about them)...and I don't know if I have ever said you're beautiful, but...you are. And I should have told you that a long time ago. I've been stupid. About a lot of things. Do you think there's any chance that you've been stupid about a lot of things, too?" I couldn't answer, so I just nodded yes. Then the song ended...and we went back to our dates. We didn't discuss anything else until our senior trip.

This trip was wonderful and terrible. We were inseparable. We stayed on the beach later than anyone else. We cried a lot. Mostly me - but he cried, too. We just sat there on the beach, not really talking much, with our arms wrapped around each other. But on the night before we went home, we had the following discussion:

Miller: "Do you love Bo (high school bf's alias)?"
Me: "Yes, do you love Pepper (his high school gf's alias)?"
Miller: "Yes, I think so...but then there's us."
Me: "Yes, then there's us."
Miller: "We're different."
Me: "Yes...difficult to explain us, but..."
Miller: "Not dating, but..."
Me: "I can't imagine my life without you."
Miller: "Exactly. Me either. Look...let's just say whatever we want this week. This week, it's just us...no Pepper, no Bo...just us. Okay?"
Me: "Okay. You start."
Miller: "If I had to lose one of you...you or Pepper...I'd give her up. No question. I'd rather have you."
Me: "I couldn't give you up either...I do love Bo, but..."
Miller: "We're something else entirely, aren't we?"
Me: "Yes."
Miller: "Are you attracted to me at all?"
Me: "Yes. Are you?"
Miller: "Yes, and it's not just your boobs, I promise...I look at you, and I think I've been a moron since 6th grade...a scared moron."
Me: "Did you ever want us to be more than friends?"
Miller: "Yes, but I always pushed it out of my mind."
Me: "Me too...and I've got Bo..."
Miller: "And I've got Pepper...but you know that we're more than that."
Me: "I know. Now what?"
Miller: "I don't know...I'm going to be hours and hours away from you this fall."
Me: "I don't want to talk about that tonight."
Miller: "How about we don't talk? Let's stay out here as long as possible...til people come looking for us."

And we did. He wrapped his arms around me, and we both cried. And he kissed the top of my head over and over. Finally, someone did come looking for us. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day we got on the bus to go home. We sat together, and he put his pillow on our laps so that no one would see that we were holding hands.

That's all I feel up to sharing tonight. I will finish tomorrow, and tell you more about how stupid our little reunion was tonight. Excuse me - stoopid.

like (cause I ain't in the mood for love),
Annabelly