I'll Finish Motorcycle When I Feel Like It: Let's Talk About The Trip to MainGay's House!

I'm the boss. I do what I like. Deal with it.

The weekend trip to MainGay's house was way fun. You may think that you had fun this weekend, but you did not. We had fun. We sang. We danced. We drank. We swam. We ate (too much). We danced with lesbians. Some of us got tattoos. And some of us vomited. Good times.

Things I Learned This Weekend:

1. Henna tats are fun. I want one, but what to get? I want something unique...something that really says Annabelly. I'm pondering a full back tat listing the 25 uses for a comma...either that or "Ain't nothing but a big ass" on my (duh) lower back/upper butt area.

2. Prank calls to your friends are still funny in your 30's.

3. You can't go wrong with a crowded dance floor, Lady Gaga, shirtless men, and confetti. That's good value.

4. It is fun to debate the real issues of the day with your friends - is it a "front butt" or a "fupa"? These are the types of issues my generation cares about. If you don't know the definition of "fupa," I suggest Urban Dictionary.

5. If you're going to go to a lesbian bar, you really should buy a t-shirt. Hopefully, these shirts will say something cool like "Lesbian Fest." You should buy one for everyone in your group. You and your friends should then wear these t-shirts to Sunday brunch. You will feel famous because everyone will stare at you while you eat your shrimp and grits.

6. Saying, "You better shut up," when no one is talking is funny. Trust me on this.

7. I like gay clubs. The people there are polite. Every time someone bumped into me they stopped to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." Then they smiled and complimented my shoes.

8. Muscles will halfway undress on the dance floor (of a gay club), but don't peck him on the lips in a restaurant...or on the street in front of a restaurant...or anywhere other than a dark bedroom...geez.

9. The following quotations from the weekend are just funny - no, you don't get to know who said them. Some of the following were just overheard, not stated by our group.
"I'm pretty sure I'm a big ole lezzie."
"Is it possible to get a hickey on your pecker?"
"I can't get out!" (of this bathroom stall)
"You can't paint over crazy."
"I'd rather go back to the mental hospital than this piano bar."
"So, there was this sad hermaphrodite..."
"I want a small lezzie shirt, so my boobs will look really big."
"Muscles will love this lesbian bar; all these chicks have his same haircut."
"Did I get vomit in MainGay's car?"
"Was that a man or a woman who just grabbed my ass?"
"I don't know, but I saw the panic in your eyes. That's why I twirled you away."
"I just got hit on by a drag queen...an ugly one."
"When I was younger, my idol was Dolly Parton...all I aspired to was blonde hair and big boobs."
"Go to this bathroom...the other bathroom means you're open for business."
"If the situation were reversed...you'd help me get laid."
"I could rock his world in a twin bed just as easily as in a king."
"There was no sex. There was vomit. And I was the mom."
"I like to know that I've still got it...even though I don't need it."
"We are not having a threesome with another man...perhaps a woman, but not a man."
"I get jealous. If those lesbians hit on you, I may have to mark my territory as alpha male...guess I could pee on your leg. Is that how it works?"
"I feel like a 2 tonight."
"That guy right there is a fixer upper!"
"Who did you blow to get that pen?"
"He's gonna have whiskeydick."
"The guys in that bathroom don't zip up right after they pee; they wave it around for a while first."
"I have an unspoken."
"I don't want to be in the thoughts and prayers of anyone."
"Her ass is huge...oh, nevermind, it's okay because she's pregnant."
"I was scared of penises in eighth grade."
"What the hell do I do with that? I know there's a button somewhere..."
"Is he trainable? French maid trainable?"
"Gay dudes dance more than lesbians...but lesbians have better music."

10. Tamara wants me to find my soulmate. I don't think Muscles is my soulmate because he told me this long story about this man getting caught cheating on his wife...and he kept saying "underwears." I don't think my soulmate says "underwears."

11. Muscles also didn't know who Cyndi Lauper was. MainGay and I almost had a heart attack. People should know about Cyndi Lauper. They just should.

12. Muscles also said, "If MainGay has a waffle griddle, I'll make you waffles." WAFFLE GRIDDLE.

13. However, he is a sweetheart. He brought a camera this weekend. I always have my camera, yet I've never seen him with one. I commented on the camera, and he said, "of course I brought my camera on my weekend away with you...you're so beautiful, why wouldn't I want pictures?"

14. Looking through my pictures later he said, "You don't take a bad picture, do you? Damn." I like it when he looks at me, grins, and says Damn.

15. Guys, do not use Nair to de-hair your back. You will break out. A lot.

16. Lock the door before...well, just lock the damn door. Trust me.

17. Next time I hold a bucket for a vomiting man, I better have girlfriend status. Yuck.

18. People will say anything in front of waiters and hired drivers. Trust me. We really did say anything.

19. MainGay almost let the blog out of the bag in front of Muscles, but he caught himself in time. Thank the goodness!

20. Walking into the Walgreens in Stupidly Small Town still wearing your lezzie shirt is just asking for trouble...oh well.

Love to my homies!
Annabelly