It Has Been Exactly...

951 days since I became single.

That translates to the following:
22,824 hours
1,369,440 minutes
82,166,400 seconds

Does that sound like a drunk proclaiming their days sober? Frankly, I envy the drunks. They have social outings where I hear there are donuts and coffee. I enjoy snacks; I don't do coffee, but I could get enthusiastic about a donut or two (shut up, I'll mall-walk it off later). They also have prizes - medallions that they are presented with when they attain specific milestones - one year sober, two years sober, and so on. And they even get their own prayer, what could be cooler? I hear from a friend that they sometimes have guest speakers. And, my fave part, you're actually encouraged NOT to give your full name - first names only. As a girl who has used various aliases for years, this is a rule I can get behind. Now, on to my point, why should the drunks have all the fun? I propose Divorcees Anonymous. Here is our creed.

1. Thou shalt serve double chocolate Milano cookies, chips and salsa, Diet Dr. Pepper (shut up, it's amazing), and a decent Pinot Noir.

2. Thou shalt enjoy entertainment. No guest speakers here; we will have concerts. Our first concert will feature a female impersonator (the only type of man allowed in our meetings - except, of course, you may all bring your own version of MainGay for moral support) singing "I Will Survive" and that "To the Left, To the Left" song by Beyonce.

3. Thou shalt be called by a new name. Mine is GG. Stands for Gangsta Girl. No, you can't have it. Pick your own.

4. Thou shalt receive presents. Medallions are tacky and useless. Who the hell thought of that? We will award prizes people actually want: Sonic gift certificates, spa services, cookie of the month club, free babysitting, magic mirrors that make you appear 20 pounds thinner, personal chef services, and rent-a-hunk services for when you need a hot date to impress people you hate.

4. Thou shalt recite this pledge:

Oprah, grant me the strength

To put down these damn cookies

And to pick up a freakin' apple

And the wisdom to know when to throw in the towel

And eat the damn cookie anyway,

Plus an entire carton of ice cream.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying not sharing the bed with that douche

Accepting dates with weirdos

As the pathway to self discovery and tetanus shots.

Discovering along the way

That while I may be reasonably happy in singlehood,

Sharing it with you bitches is supreme bliss.

Peace out!

Annabelly